Realm of Dreaming



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Thursday, July 28, 2005

I've MOVED!

the irony: I was just wondering when I'll make a shift. oh well. haha i've shifted:

http://mr-sandmannn.blogspot.com

change ur links if u want, i don't think anybody bothers anyway :D

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

..this blog

after the ongoings last night, the event that was traced with a tinge of sadness and in retrospect, a pitiable sad spin that is regretful and much missed in the near future, I realised that this blog has a special aura or power or influence with it that has gathered strength over the years, and I really must say years. It's been four years now. But after last night, when posts that implied meanings or hidden messages were mentioned, I realise that this blog has a certain power and grip over my life. I don't know when I will ever shut this down, if I ever will. It has carried me through the ages, through different friendships, and people, events and emotions, and yet all the time, it is a very personal diary still. Much because nobody really comes to read this anyway. It is something I keep to record my life, reflect the swings of the mundane humdrum of everyday, and I don't know what else. It has been a long time. My impending NS would separate me from this blog of course, but there wouldn't be much to blog about anyway right. This is a very strange thing. The worse of all is the fact that everthing is such a mess. Yet, as I looked through my archives last, which was last year (i deleted the links to it after that because after she read them, I felt embarassed), I see a growth, a maturity that slowly settled, as though residue particles finally laying to rest, gradually, but surely. It is really amazing how events, people, coincidences, will of God, can piece puzzles, and separate people together. I remember her (our) friend (whose name I shan't speak, because I too am too embarassed for it) showed this blog to her in secondary school, even before we could possibly come to know each other, and she commented that this blog belonged to an angsty teen kid. A few months, a few years, and a few blinks. Question marks pop out all over the head, and now we're a piece like complete painting, just lacking a few brushes of green, and dabs of gold.

God is amazing if you ask me. If I were to read through my past entries, I'm almost certain that I would read things that might be extremely blasphemous and definitely not something that I would ever write now or ever again. You have never forsaken me, and now I know. He is full of unfailing love.

The questions I asked, the upsets I had. The results, exams, tests and stress that bear no significance now. All these seem so faint and quaint, I wonder what's the real meal. When do we start considering it the real thing? At our end? at 60, life begins? If I were to skip a pebble into a lake of my life, filled with my emotions, thoughts, opinions, mistakes, flimsy friendships, relationships like thread sticking out at the end of the stitch, and questions that bubble upwards, growing bigger and bigger and bigger as it reaches the surface, I will see that everything is a surreal darkness-filled foambath. Yes that's it. a foambath. full of froth and bubbles, hidden beneath the water. what is important? I don't know, but if you dig through the froth, you might find a bubble or two that shows you the colour of the wind, or the colour of passion. You never know what you might find, but if you were to add everything together, it makes a spectrum, or rather, a rainbow, that contains every single colour you can possible conceive in your imagination, and yet they are intact and separate, like rays of light piercing the darkness in the forest.

all these wax and honey serve no function, but through these years, I realise that this blog is multi-functional, multi-faceted and surreptitiously menacing. Yes sneaky little thing this is. The good thing is I trust noone reads them, because I'm too busy to be bothered with locking up with passwords and all.. it's going to be so troublesome and stuff.. I don't want to shift this site, because there's too much archived entries here.. the post count stands at 500++ mind you. By logic and reasoning, i'm talking to noone really.. I can say whatever I want.

Sigh. I'm a retard. Seriously. I just wish that when shit happens, like last night, it would all just be a bad dream, and I can wake myself out of it. But the ironic truth is lying is bad for health. Sigh. I just wish.. if only..

This entry is crap.. to the fullest. but if you peer through the dusty curtains, and pull down the cobwebs, you will find nuggets of gold, just like nocturnuggets however u spell it. You got to dig through, pull your lids and touch the aqueous humour, and you will find valuable gems. that's what life is like, i say, a foambath. it's all a foambath i tell you. make it strawberry flavoured. and a whiff of lemon.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

..always too late

maybe i'm just always going to be too late, always not in time for the moment to get her, to meet to share... always running up against the wall, and then disappointed in the end.. maybe what the heck. as senseless as this is, there's some truth in it.. the hell that burns in my mind..

..guess who's back

Okay, after the long hiatus that was imposed on me due to unforseen circumstances, I'm finally back online, blogging. Consequentially, it will lead to the disastrous butterfly effect of procrastination of work. The separation of me and the internet has led me to understand the power of the internet, and its practical functionality. I felt the drought of power, the queer feeling. When I needed to search up a word, a mathematical equation, a physics concept, I was powerless. I'm feeling queasy now - the pressure in my head like a time bomb waiting to explode. My english is horrendous I must declare. It is deteriorating, to something that's absolutely rubbishy, and beyond me. Adzfar says my blog is boringgggg. I agree. My absolutely boring personality attracts nothing but houseflies and fleas, and occassionally the hornets. Doubt I should redo it though. Reflects my boring self. I guess I need some photos and graphics to spice up this dark, moody place. Then again, what photos can be relevant to these irritating, blasphemous (to the greater standard of perfection, absolutists and the Queen's) posts. Whatever it is, join me in my quest to search for the cure to sian-ness.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

..bad day

this song's tremelousousouslily great and has made me look up when I'm down for whatever reason I do not know, probably cos it kindda reminds me that being down is a choice.. yes it is. everything is a choice, even the feelings u feel.. the determinant however is one's willpower and strength of the mind to control and choose.. it is not to be logical.. it is to be the best that one can be.. yeah, you might not agree that feeling is a choice.. but think about it, sometimes, you just got really pissed with someone and you're fuming, and then the phone rings.. you answer the phone, yes, with a lighthearted tone, because you know that the person on the line doesn't deserve your wrath.. its a choice.. once I was really down and stuff, and on the spur of the moment, I decided to watch some tv, which I seldom do, and I got down to it, and I felt much better and lighthearted after it.. so yeah, choice. power of choice.. everything's a choice if you have the power.. cos God gave us free will and He empowered us with the Spirit, so with it you can either continue living a dismal, or a life fit to reflect His glory

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Monday, July 18, 2005

..you kinda wish..

when now and then you go back to a same page and you see the first words that parades itself are the words that remind you of horror and pain of a mistake, of a hurt you are reponsible for, you figure that it feels like living with closed curtains that stretch from the ceiling to the ground, and everytime the words they appear, its like the curtains are drawn and blinding light sears your eyes - a thousand flaming arrows..

when the walls of Jericho fell, I suppose.. well.. it must have been surprising for even the Children of Israel who performed the march around it seven times.. God is mighty and He works in many ways.. Anyhow, read sometime back that everything we have belongs to God anyway, so well of course it is due right that we return to Him what belongs to Him. So what did He give us what He gave us anyway? I guess, it's the same reasoning as giving a little kid some money and telling him to make the best out of it, and I think you would be overjoyed if he came back with a book, or with more money, or he came back telling you that he had used it to help some poor dude, or gave it to his hungry friend, or even better yet, made more money to help his friends in need, to buy food for the poor dudes in the orphanage and still have money to buy gifts in return to you. what an analogy, but I figure that's the whole point of it all. God bless us all.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

..give me a dream

I'm just blogging to push away the previous entries lower a little. I don't have much to blog about except that I'm pretty much screwed cos I haven't done any real work the past 2 weeks, so yeah... well.... gah. anyhow, I figured that well, I suck. Okay, I think I shall go take the spiritual gifts test that marcus told me about. I really really love that dream of mine. It's so inspiring and the feeling of awe and overwhelming joy is just incredulous.

HAHA I just completed my spiritual gifts test. I kind of agree with them, but hey, why no clear cut one. I have like 8 gifts all the same highest score. Gah. So what exactly is my gift? Anyhow, I should be gone. I wanna declare that God is great and Jesus is alive, and God the Lord is the true living God, and He works miracles in my life. Hallelujah

Saturday, July 16, 2005

..fighting demons

I lay on the ground, pulling my hair,
screaming silently inside,
biting my shirt till it tears,
praying for salvation,
chewing my flesh leaving scars,
rolling about in agony,
reciting the words I want to hear,
spurning away all the fears,
drenched in the tears of pain,
never forget what I lost,
fighting demons within so far,
and Christ picked me up,

in His name I garnered strength
and fought the demons within,
in my struggle I search among the angst,
and found answers and enlightenments

it was a gory sight the wrecked,
the hair on the floor, and the
insane struggle

I picked myself up, cried and smiled,
as I know Jesus is with me
the battle is over and the cursed banished,
as I know Jesus is with me
still some residual feelings haunting me,
but I shift them away, and I remember
who I love, and I trudge on..

I know now how everything brings it back to one thing, no it has no fault or no one to be held responsible.. it simply is. my guilt may bury me, but you yourself have to concede.. have I never heard a real sorry. have I never felt the real feelings you ought naught to have.. i'm still puzzled

it's like a long desert road
I know what's at the end,
and I do have fears,
but I love you,
and all I need is reassurance,
then I will go on with peace in my mind

at the end of this, I'm weary and torn apart.. will you save me? or will you leave me there at the mercy of suffering?

Friday, July 15, 2005

have you ever had the train doors slam shut in your face, with a short pause that for the moment felt like an eternal drag, and then the train slowly picking itself away? it feels like that. It feels like whatever I do, however hard I struggle, I'm where I am, just like swimming in an ocean of dense, thick mercury, and every breath I take seeps into my lungs and slices it with a piercing pain. And when I keep trying to go away, everything tells me about it again, and I can hear the shadow of the trees whispering behind me. It feels like being caught in a nightmare playing over and over again in my own head, and whenever I try to run, it brings me back to where I am. Do you know what its like to live with so much guilt that it feels like you're sinking down, down, down, and every time you struggle to be above the surface, you can hardly catch a breath. Do you know what its like to be so alone with a million people around you, with your friends around you, with your loved ones around you, but still alone in a foreign world, lost in a peculiar maze of anguish. Do you know what it feels when your life has been reduced to a state where you dream more about a person than you see the person? And every dream leaves a sweet-bitter taste in your heart. Do you know what it feels when every song you hear stirs your weak heart and spill tears onto your guitar as it gently weeps alongside. Do you know what it feels like when you're wrong, so wrong that you are almost beyond redemption. Do you know what it feels when in some ways, there are just no justifications for anything. Do you know what it feels like to hurt someone? DO you know what it feels like to hurt someone you love? Do you know what it feels like to live in confusion, where every step you take, you think thrice, if not ten times, before you figure that it's not alright, and everything seems not alright. Do you know what its like when you fuck up, and when you're fucked up, and right now, nothing's gonna get unfucked. And worse of all, you dono what the fucking consequences are for this shit that you write, and you don't know if you should post it, but you do anyway, because right now you don't give a shit, and you know that somebody's gonna get here again, and it seems all awry again, and what the heck. Do you know what its like when you just keep going, and you dono what's going on, and you just wish you could be in Heaven living in God's warmth, safe and peaceful, away from all the shit that's at large. Do you know what it's like to be wondering. All the time. Do you know what it's like to live a dead life? I do.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

..maybe

maybe its just me on my part..foolish mood swings and misreading things, being sensitive and petty, and stuff.. that's just me right.. then everything keeps twirling around disgusting black feelings..feels abandoned..or maybe not..maybe its just the wrong way to see things.maybe its just a choice..maybe its just an opinion, perspective.. sigh. fuck this blog.